From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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