I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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