Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
