I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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