I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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