Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
