I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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