i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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