You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
