I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
