whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize