Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
