when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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