I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
