it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I deserve this hangover.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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