Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
