As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
