So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
