maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
