You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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