Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he told me I talked like a deaf person
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
