I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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