I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
