She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
