So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
