I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
