There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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