Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
