turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
