Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
