There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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