It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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