On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
