i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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