Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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