After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
