I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
