at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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