I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
