im drinking this country out of the recession.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
