Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
