Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
