I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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