he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The power of my boobs compel you
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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