I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
