That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
