call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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