her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
