I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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