Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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