why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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