relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
