"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
