I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
