who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize