At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
