How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize