You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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