Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
