wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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