I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
