Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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