mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
