i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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