Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
wanna go halves on a baby?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
