i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize