Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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