I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
