i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
