My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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