you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
