just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
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