U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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